Gotta Vs Wanna
I'm baaaack! Ahhhh....
Here's the simple fact: I had some paperwork to fill out and I didn't want to do it. No way around it - I just didn't want to do it. I dug my heals in, and, in essence, threw a good old fashioned temper tantrum. The tantrum was quiet and essentially passive. The wish was played out with the internal words, "not doing it!" playing over and over in the background.
Guess what? It was effective in the sense that it reinforced the fact that I didn't want to do it. It kept that wish alive and kicking. But, it was also effective in keeping the pressure on me to finish it, and I knew from past experience that the pressure wouldn't subside until I got around to doing it. It was like procrastination on steroids.
Thankfully I was efficient in dealing with other day to day things. They got done and that part of my desk didn't start accumulating more "stuff." But that first report that I didn't want to do remained there. Then another report had to be filled out. That didn't get filled out either and then they were both laughing their heads off at me. And just to keep this real, a third form (a dreaded reaccreditation form - dreaded because they truly are a useless pain) came in and, you got it, went into the same pile and joined in the discordant chorus.
There was a part of me which knew that if I started new posts here that I wouldn't get back to the "work-pile" till even later.
All kinds of bargains or strategies with myself took place and all were equally ineffective.
I even tried to invoke my mantra: "I will rush no more!" but I quickly short-circuited that because I knew it was just a cheap marketing trick to get me to buy something that was not in my best interest.
I knew I had to do the work..."just gotta."
But I didn't "wanna." No, no, no, no! But you gotta!
Waaah, waaah, waaaaaaaah!
Oh!
Then I had a lucky break. I knew that I wouldn't feel good again until I started writing on my blog again. That became a....I gotta and I wanna. Yes! That motivation got me going and was enough to break the log jam. First the homework and then the play.
The next day I started the reaccreditation form and kept at it in a piecemeal fashion till it was finished. Then I got to the last report and I sailed through that easily. None of this work was heavy lifting for me, you understand...but I just didn't wanna because I had a spasm of my "dig in my heals" reflex to a "you gotta" command.
That evening I sat with my wife telling her about this, and I play acted a grade school temper tantrum complete with whining and fake pounding on the table. It felt great and we both had a great laugh.
The next morning I tackled the first report, the one that was on the bottom of the original work-pile. On a lark I called the person to whom it would be sent and asked if they still needed it. Guess what. They didn't. Long story but practical fact was the report was no longer needed. That turned out to be only a minor relief since I had organized the whole report in my mind and had all the pertinent information assembled and it would have been finished in a short amount of time. I guess you could say the work pile had the last laugh.
Yes, it's good to be back.
3 comments:
Ah, that sounds like me, applying for jobs and starting "Query letters" in an effort to get my writing published. I hate having to stop my "real writing" in an effort to shne people's butts for some dough. But you know, the price of kitty litter ain't gettin' any cheaper.
And what's a writer without the essential pain-in-the-ass writing cat.
Good to see you as always.
-P
Procrastination is like a virus and thrives on a living system until it takes over completely.
My struggles with procrastination often mask anger which is masking fear. No matter what schemes I have tried to deal with it nothing has been as effective (but difficult) as just addressing the task I am resisting.
I wish there was some magic spell that would make it easy but short of a brain transplant I don't see that happening.
Maybe you need to start another blog --- "I will procrastinate no..."
Steve Williams
Scooter in the Sticks
Proxima - thanks for the comment. Fortunately I love my profession and how I earn my living. It's the details of the surrounding stuff which is a pain.
Steve - I think you're right that procrastination thrives on a living organism; virus like - meme like.
It has a habit of reproducing itself. It takes energy from the organism. It's parasitic in nature.
It has three claws - shame, doubt and a drive to deny imperfection. Each has it's own claw. Each grabs hold and the three encircle and suck energy from the organism...and loss of humor, overfocusing and loss of perspective are sure signs that it is doing it's nefarious task.
Deal effectively with any of the three claws and the grip is loosened and then the return of humor and soft focus have the potential to dispatch the automaton maker.
But I still think that I was talking about something else. For me the "waa, waa, WAAAH" was coming from a different reflex; namely the command-resistance reflex.
It's fairly pervasive but usually inocuous. It happens when someone says: "sit up straight!" You may comply but inside there is a reaction which wants to resist, not do, give the finger. Most people learn to cover it up or deny its presence but that doesn't mean it isn't there.
In this instance, I played it to the hilt.
One other thing - sometimes I think that if you scratch beneath the surface of most of us, under many circumstances and situations and behaviors, you will find fear and anger. Very pervasive stuff which infiltrates many behaviors.
But the good news is that there are also other substrates which are positive which also permeate the same behaviors.
The universe hates conditions of imbalance.
Thanks for the comment.
Tim
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