Pristine Pings

That's what I heard as I was watching the Boston Symphony's 4th of July concert on the esplanade. It happened during their annual and traditional presentation of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture (starting at 38 seconds), the end of which coincides with canon fire and the beginning of the fireworks display.

There was crescendo, frenzy, canon fire and there was build up. During the build up, the quickening, the ping from the triangle in the percussion section, could be heard. It was solitary, it was simple, it was just there, it helped to complete the rest of the world. It was expressing itself without fanfare and without attachment to how long it would last. It expressed itself without regard to whether anyone heard it or not. There was no self consciousness.

It's a great mystery, to me, how those notes come about when they come from a person. I've had moments when I have "spoken my truth" and on reflection they could be called pristine pings. Sometimes I remember them and sometimes I don't.

When I was out walking the other morning, a man came up to me and introduced himself and then thanked me for giving his son back to him. We talked back and forth for a while and then he said: "One thing always stood out during that conversation about my son. You said 'he was a good kid and he basically only needed a few wins' and that's how it turned out." I don't remember saying that, but he did. I guess that may be a ping that is expressed and has an impact. It took on a life of it's own.

I came across another ping when I read Ember's manifesto on her blog Kindred of the Quiet Way. She wrote on simplicity which she refers to as "Simplicity Testimony" The quote:

it's about choosing to live simply, according to one's own conscience & what feels manageable at the moment, stepping aside from consumer lifestyle to focus instead on what is non-competitive, natural & free. In choosing an occupation, asking ‘what did I come here to do?’ – and by all means travelling most speedily towards that place. It's about avoiding debt & high-maintenance, complex lifestyles that make it difficult to change course when life offers challenges & opportunities: choosing (in one's home, leisure activities, clothing, possessions & occupation) what is simple, plain, quiet, humble & modest, avoiding whatever brags or intimidates or makes others feel jealous or inadequate or ashamed. Understanding that we live in troubled times, it's about fashioning a life accordingly, ensuring that one is as free, as flexible, as prepared & as easy to satisfy as possible; so that when hardship & scarcity come to us, we already understand how to live frugally & simply & walk lightly, passing through turbulence with our light held steady.

That is pristine. That ping resonates in me. Maybe that's the purpose of a "ping," to offer those who would quiet down, those who are not rushing, those who are open to new and free information available in the environment, an opportunity to resonate. And with that resonance, they can take in new energy or reconfirm what they already have known, and then to take their opportunity to make their own notes.

The Oath Of Office

Dear President-Elect Obama,

A few weeks ago I heard you being interviewed and you emphatically stated that the very first priority that you will have every morning upon waking is the safety of the American people.

That started me thinking about what the Founding Fathers had in mind for the line of future presidents, and what they wanted to emphasize to them and what they thought their number one priority should be.

They said: Each president recites the following oath, in accordance with Article II, Section I of the U.S. Constitution:

"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

You are about to assume a most awesome responsiblity at a pivotal moment in the history of these United States and in the history of the entire world. This world has been recently spinning around issues of safety and economy, and this world, at this very moment is standing still; waiting to see how you will guide this nation.

May I suggest that you make a slight shift in your morning practises to include silently retaking your Oath Of Office every morning. May that guide you and be your number priority.

In the preamble to the constitution the goals are...

"to form a more perfect union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity..."

The path that they lay down is embarked upon with the taking of The Oath. It is that document, and the principles contained within it, that you swear to preserve, uphold and defend. Every day to day issue, every crisis, every opportunity must be informed by the indications of that document.

I wish you well on that journey.

I Resolve...

On this first day of this new year, I resolve to not buy into the fictions that are presented to me, and to the collective "us," each day. These fictions are pervasive, and they are presented so regularly, and so skillfully, both directly and indirectly that they put a coating of believability over each of their respective topics which makes it hard to even perceive them.

It is as if the coating serves two purposes. The first is to draw us unsuspectingly into an attractive alternative in the world of choices. The second is to capture us in a web which serves each and everyone who perpetrates it. The prime perp-er-trators are those who seek power over, and those who pursue financial gain over others.

Some of the tools and processes which perpetuate this web - dare I say: "Matrix?" include:

- The lie that is the "n-e-w-s," especially as presented on television;

- The fiction that is television programming, which is one of the most corrosive technologies on the planet. It purveys all sorts of unreality as if it is the way it is supposed to be. The latest lie I have noticed are the impossibly white teeth of virtually every celebrity wanna-be on the n-e-w-s programs;

- The lie that more and better purchasing and consuming will bring us happiness and a better quality of life;

- The lie that money is very important; it's important but after having a basic amount, not that important;

- The lie, the fiction, the deception that faster is better;

- The lie that we are a nation of great physical health and that pharmacology and high-tech medical procedures can, or will be able in the near future to solve most of our physical problems, and the lie that extension of life is in our best interest;

- The deception that financial investing is a good strategy for future security;

- The truly biggest deception is the covert programming that sucks from each of us the belief that we can make a difference;

- The unspoken lie of the established system that programs us to believe that we routinely need experts to solve our problems.

There are others. But I wanted to post this on the first day of this year.

I wish us all well in this coming year. And my wish is that all who embark on this discovery process will find a freedom and a power and a sense of purpose and life and engagement and responsibility that will benefit our respective worlds.

Oh The Weather Outside Is Frightful

And since the weather has a mind of it's own, not easily influenced by me...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

We had a juicy ice storm last week, and here in New England there are still thousands without power. We usually get hammered with these storms but this time we lucked out and were just outside "the swath." It was particularly fortunate since our sump pump has been engaging several times an hour for the last nine days. Yes, I am glad that we bought a generator four years ago; it gives us a bit of peace of mind during these storms. We didn't need it this time, but some friends were grateful that I set it up for them and pumped out their basement.

They were a bit red faced since they were so pleased with themselves that they had planned ahead and had a backup pump to their primary sump pump. They hadn't anticipated a total power failure to their home. I learned from their experience.

This has given me an opportunity to think about a few things which I have come to consider as part of my shoveling-out process and storm preparedness strategy. Here are a few of them; consider them both as a way of making things easier and also as "insurance" for the unexpected.

1. Do yourself a really big favor and go out and buy one of those shovels that has a crooked handle. They look foolish but my, oh my, are they kind on the back. They also have a long handle which is great for just leaning on for when it's time to take it even slower and listen and feel the silence and the snow and the breeze.

2. For apparel, make sure that you have a heavy coat which goes 1/2 way down to your knees. The outside of the coat must have something that blocks the wind and doesn't let the water in, nylon is fine. Most of the time you don't need this type of jacket but when you do, it is indispensible. As always, remember it's the wind not the temperature that will usually do you in.

3. There is no big rush with snow shoveling. Take it easy. Usually everyone thinks you do that to not overtax your heart and/or to not be as stiff the next day. But there is a further reason for pacing yourself, and that is to not build up a sweat. The exercise helps to heat, but the excess will lead to sweat and that in turn will lead to a chill. If it is really challenging outside and you have to be out there for some time, having a chill is not a good idea. Remember also, no cotton next to your skin.

4. Find your closest fire hydrant and shovel a path into it so the fire fighters will have easy access in a dire situation. It's everybodies job to do that, so you can be certain that no one will do it if you don't.

5. Buy a pair of cleats or grippers that can slide over your boots. My driveway is fairly steep and there have been times when I wouldn't have been able to get to my car if I didn't have cleats on. That goes also for getting to the woodpile during an ice storm. Our comfy home is kept comfy by the wood stove. Stove needs to be fed dry wood. You get the picture. Think worst conditions and you get the idea.

6. Have a pot of soup and some artisinal bread waiting for when you come back in from the outside if you really want to make it an event. Oh yes, worst conditions, go out and buy several cans of sterno. They store for years and can easily heat up soup, etc.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Addendum: Obviously the 7th suggestion is to have a portable generator. And in the spirit of "insurance" and "making things better" buy a pair of over-the-ear noise reducers. They are much more helpful than the small plug into your ear gizmos and offer better protection to the hearing apparatus. Remember, you only get one hearing system per lifetime - use it wisely.

Necessary Listening

I've heard that there has been some turbulence in the world economy recently...giggle, giggle.

Do yourself a really big favor and listen to this interview of Nassim Taleb by Charlie Rose, recorded on December 3.

Once you hear his discussion of the economy and "the turkey" and probability statements, you will irrevocably understand how we are fooled by the stock market over and again.

His real contribution is, however, more general than "the economy;" it is that improbable events play a significant role with massive consequences in all of our lives, individually and collectively. We are fooled by our tendency / need to focus on pattern recognition to give us the semblance of stability. The "trick," I think, is to widen the pattern on which we are making our predictions. As he says, it is unwise for a pilot to not expect storms.

It's all part of the process.

Shouldn't Life Be Easier?

That was the question, asked rhetorically, by a man who was reflecting while on a ledge slightly below the precipice above the valley of depression. He had recently found himself on that ledge and was surprised that he was there, but more so, he was freightened. Freightened that he might move un-voluntarily into that valley where he had been once before.

What would you offer in response if you were there?

When he was receptive here's some of what I said.

I don't know if it should be easier or not; maybe yes, maybe no. But I do know that when you are in the midst of "a depression" that you lose (easy) access to recollection of the easier times. Because of that it sometimes makes it feel that everything has always been hard, tough. It has a way of also discarding positive recollection in a variety of ways. For example, it can discount the reality of what happened. And knowing that, it can help to recollect some times when it was easier. That can help; that can help a lot. Remember that it is a skill that has to be developed while in the valley.

It also plays the other way. By that I mean that when things are going well and ideally when you are in the "flow," that recollection of the depressed state seems foreign and distant. It's not exactly like that, but it's like that.

Maybe it's a little bit like a bow tie. You have this connection in the middle which connects the two bows. One bow wants to just do it's own thing and to perpetuate itself. Guess what, the other side also wants to do the exact same mirror image thing.

Addendum: A voice with some experience with both the depression thing and the flow thing, thinks, however, that the "bad" bow is sometimes, maybe almost always, more heavily weighted.

My input is that anyone who has ever been in the throes of a significant depression will line up with that comment. But across time balance is of the essence. Just as the universe seems to wobble and at times seems to be favoring one end of the spectrum or the other, if you look at it across time, things find their balance. There tend to be as many sunrises as sunsets but personal habits and acquired tendencies may lead us to favor one over the other.

Nature always gets the last word in.

Some Building Blocks

Purpose may be with us all the time but, if it is, it has proven to be, for me, frustratingly elusive.

But I have been able to assemble a few basic building blocks to help along the way.

1. Mindfulness and the frequent application of it throughout the day has to go into the foundation. It may actually be the mortar which helps the individual blocks to connect and "stiffen up" the process.

2. In the sitting practise I do in the morning I have been watching my thoughts come and go, meander, quicken, drop off, etc. I also watch how they make me feel, what moods they stir, what memories and associations cluster around them.

3. But more recently, I have been engaging in talking to myself. Yes, talking out loud. It shifts with time and recently I have called it a conversation. A conversation with myself. But to have a conversation there has to be another. So I have invited to these conversation others; other parts of myself - perhaps we could call them other selves.

At one point I invited my Guardian Angel to these conversations. The Guardian Angel in this sense (at least) is the representative / representation of that energy which acts as go-between between the visible world and the energetic world. The conduit, or the facilitator, or the bearer of messages between this packet of energy (moi) and the energy which moves through the universe, and through me. Perhaps the Guardian Angel is that which acts as the invisible hands which has guided me at pivotal points in my life by presenting options which weren't there previously.

It's like I create this space in which I'm just sitting there, aware, and carrying on a one way conversation. Maybe that's a kind of narrative in the making. I'll make a statement, a comment, or ask a question, or a series of questions. Emotion gets added to the process. And I sit back and watch what comes, what is presented.

I could call it a conversation with the other, the best friend. Interestingly it's with one at a time, not the "whole gang."

4. Over a period of time I have noticed that I have to go through a kind of developmental progression each time - and since I do my sitting practise in the morning - this has become a way of kickstarting my day.

After I get up, I'll have a cup of coffee and a small bite of something and then start "sitting." First comes just waking up. That's tricky because I feel awake already. The words get in the way. But there is a definite sense of "entering my body and entering the space around me." The sense of energy builds when this happens. Till then it's like I'm in a virtual world but then it transitions into a more real world beyond my body and my thoughts.

5. Sometimes the conversation follows. And I use "the conversation" to bring together what I have learned, what my values are, what I'm working on, what I want to learn and to express.

6. After that I have noticed that I have begun to listen for the first piece of information, the first nugget of the day, the first choice morsel of spirit. That then becomes a partial theme for the day. I ask questions about it. I wonder how "it plays." etc. I may share that with people during the day.

7. At the end of the day I do some reviewing and wonder if my day has amounted to something or if it was for naught. This review has become a benign whip which helps to motivate me to reenter my next day.

8. I suspect that "purpose" will be the focal point for my further activities during the day. I hope that it isn't a limiting belief in the sense that if I don't "find" it that there will be many more "for naught" days. When purpose clarifies then I will have a daily choice of whether to enter that sphere and act from within it.

The problem with "waiting for purpose" is that it can foster a habit of drifting, of not doing what can be done. I am now thinking that a better strategy is to act on what I/we know now and if we have knowledge which is important that it wrong to hold it back.

9. The expression from within and the connecting to without will be for the purpose of healing that which is within me and around me.

10. It comes back to me how this process of stepping into the world, engaging it, came about for me. Several months ago, during a particularly intense conversation, I was reminded of how when I was about 12 years old, I was complaining to my parents as we were driving somewhere not to my liking that "I didn't ask to be born!" and "this isn't living, it's just existing (as in killling time)." I think I was being a real prick, but I was also a screaming over how what was happening in me around me wasn't anywhere close to an authentic expression of who I was or wanted to be.

And in recalling that, I offered a prayer of thanksgiving to the universe for this existence and for this life and that I am choosing life and living and wanting to enter my space, the space around me and to make a difference. Voila - purpose.

Being and Doing

Except for the past three posts I have been inactive on this blog. I'd like to let you in on a little of where I have been during those intervening months.

It all started several months ago in the depths of Winter. I was really enjoying hunkering down and staying in the cave and close to the fire. I'd be doing this and that but mostly it was a time for going within, for delving, for conserving. It wasn't the time for projects.

Then when the winter ended I started my second year of work on my vegetable garden and enjoyed the planning, building the frames, building the raised beds, enhancing the soil, and finally planting the seeds. At the same time, however, I didn't feel the urge to start writing again. It's as if my body was moving forward and my mind was active, but my spirit was still taking its own sweet time coming out of winter's cocoon.

I was reflecting on my ongoing pattern of moving between periods of activity and inactivity. In the past it would be like feeling stuck to be followed by a burst of energy which would focus on one activity or another. Sometimes those times would be brief, sometimes prolonged. After the activity I would sometimes just drag myself home to collapse, as it were, and wonder where I had been and what I had done.

But this winter I reflected more thoughtfully on that pattern and came to describe it more as being followed by doing followed by being. You can see how mindfulness can be present in both sides of that coin, and when it is there, it enhances the entire process; it makes it more present and real. The activities were sometimes purposive in a goal directed way across time, oftentimes for many years at a stretch,sometimes just a latest flash in the pan.

In the past I would be upset with the not-doing part of the cycle. Now I'm more comfortable with experiencing it as being in a space where listening is more prominent. I used to want to be pulled towards something but now it doesn't seem as important; it will happen when it happens and in its own time. Of course during either end of the dance there are certain things which have to be done of a maintenance nature but the bigger pattern is with the flowing from poised within to the directing outwardly and then the return.

It is in this context that I started thinking (for the umpteenth time) about purpose. In mid-August I was again wondering / asking what was holding me back, what the blockage was, and out of the silence came an awareness - that I do not have a central unifying principle which could give me a focal point, something which would give me a way of looking at, comparing, exploring, analyzing, experiences, events, ideas, perceptions, etc.

On reflection I came to see that the "blind spot," "the incompletion" has been there all along, certainly during my entire adult life. I have taken on others perceptions, etc., but never my own "something unique to me" (at least in a visceral way of experiencing) manner. It might be described as what my "beat" is.

In spite of this, I have been aware of hard earned lessons over the decades. Each of these learnings has been vital for my overall growth and they have served as course corrections; pivotal in fact. As these things go, they mostly came out of my own pain which in turn was coming from a wrong minded perception of how the world was or how it was supposed to be. Heroes are flawed; They have their own agendas and your best interest is not central if it does not support their agenda; a sense of power which comes from someone else, or a group, is, or can be, fundamentally manipulative; I claim the right to make mistakes, but not repetitively; I will rush no more!

All of those learnings, and others, have helped to bring me back to a sense of self but they did not go to the central unifying principle. They have helped to prepare but they have not revealed that principle.

For example, The Good Life as espoused and written by the Nearing's led to exploration and discovery and as such has been an ongoing "project" - it could even shift into a lifetime project -but it is not the principle.

Let me say it again, the core statement of my life to date is that: I am lacking a central unifying principle.

At first this freightened me but then it excited me in the quest to open, to ask for, to decipher, to find, to become aware of that central theme. And along those lines, how have others discovered their purposes. Is it "given?" Is it discovered? Is it uncovered? Does it always happen?

Now when I think of my mantra "I will rush no more!" I see it as a tool, an attitude, a way of being and doing which also lays the foundation for freeing myself up.

To be continued.

A Recent Dance With Pain

A week ago today my right leg was screaming. I had been having some previous twinges, some more intense, but mostly manageable, bearable. I had a recent evaluation which indicated that the hip was not involved and that the most probable diagnosis was either a pulled muscle in the groin or bursitis of the right hip, or both.

Well, three days later, at the end of the day the pain numbers kept ratcheting up and by 10 P.M. I simply turned to my wife and said: "you have to call the ambulance, now!" Whatever was going on, it was not right and the pain was continuous at that point.

The EMT's were great. They put an IV line in and gave me some Fentanyl which helped with the transport. They were focused, very helpful, asked all the right questions, and explained to me each step of the way what they were doing.

In the E.R. things seemed to be going fairly slowly, but at that point the pain had subsided to the point where I wasn't saying ow, ow, OW! over and again. Then the pain came back to the original plateau of "10" and that repeated several times for the next several hours.

Interestingly, as I recall it now, I never asked them to relieve the pain, or to do something about it; my primary comments were "Man this HURTS!" and what is causing this? At that point also, I wasn't freightened because my own assessment was that "I" was ok but my leg and maybe hip wasn't. Another way to say that was that the core of me was safe and well, but a peripheral process was in real trouble right then.

After several doses of a powerful narcotic (dilaudid), the leg started to quiet down. During that time I had a CT with contrast, and I later found out that many of the major nasties had been ruled out: i.e., broken bone, tumor, kidney involvement, deep vein thrombosis, etc. The diagnosis was still fairly vague but the recommendation was clear, admission to the hospital. No argument from me.

I was placed on morphine and started on another medication Toradol. Thankfully the pain subsided after about 2 days and I was able to back away from the narcotics. My sense is that the Toradol was very helpful as both a local analgesic and also a potent anti-inflammatory. The black box warning on the medication states that it in NOT to be used for more than five consecutive days so I knew that it would have to do whatever job it was going to do and either help to resolve the still undiagnosed problem or something else would have to be used.

The money seemed to be going towards a diagnosis of hip problem and that led to a cortisone shot into the hip. I was discharged from the hospital after a total stay of 4 days.

For now just two additional comments. First, in retrospect, I was amazed how rapidly the process of pain, effective immobilization, separation from my usual surroundings, some grogginess from the meds, etc., my world shrank. At one point I found myself sitting with my head down, and just rhythmically running my hand through my hair, all the while wondering where this was all going. My world shrank both inside and outside. Pain can do that to you. Immobilization can do that to you. It's hard to keep your attention on the horizon when your world shrinks. I will have to think really hard on the implications of that process for me and others.

Maybe another way of looking at that is that, thankfully, I / most of us don't have that much experience with intense pain. But based on my experience of those four days, I am aware that I need to learn all the lessons of that experience in that (thankfully) unusual-for-me state of pain. It will help to develop resources and "tools" for dealing with it in the future should the need arise.

Thankfully, I had a great roomate and we became great supports for one another. He has had much more experience with intense pain and his kind and supportive and understanding comments were as powerful as the medicine in some ways. Also, my family and friends were right there for me and the staff was almost uniformly excellent except for one nurse who was too invested in starch and efficiency.

Secondly, after the intense pain subsided, I was left with an apprehension over whether the pain would come back again. That's understandable, of course, and with each day, the nagging vigilance and the emotional vulnerability is subsiding, thankfully.

Get the Word Out - For Anyone Who Drives For Work And/Or Heats Their Home With Oil

This is off my usual topic lines, but the enormity of the oil problems in the near future as a result of hurricanes Gustav and Ike, must be looked at by anyone who chooses to look at and deal in reality. The time frame, depending on where you live in the continental United States will shift, but this posting from TheOilDrum outlines a dire scene over the next several months.

For those of us here in the North East, who are already concerned about the very real consequences of the price of heating oil and what happens if we have a praticularly nasty winter - well the thoughts are chilling.

For example, look at insight #5

Insight 5. One of the biggest refined product pipelines, Colonial Pipeline, is now reported to be shut down, because of lack of refined product input.

Colonial pipeline is one of the largest pipelines, with a capacity of 2.4 million barrels a day. It serves the Southeast and the East Coast.

(Apologies, but I tried to copy and paste the graphic into this posting but can't figure out how to do it...you will have to go to the original posting listed above at TheOilDrim. I'd appreciate it if anyone can tell me how to do it back channel.)

Beyond all of this, I am glad that there seems to be a more coordinated and concentrated response by the citizens and agencies involved to all those who have been directly affected by Ike. Good luck and best wishes!

Finally, I have written about "what-if" scenarios in the past, but this material appears to have current and near future reality value...but may also be used as a template for considering how things develop across time to events with truly enormous implications.