Tuesday, October 16, 2007

"A Very, Very Faint Voice From Deep, Deep Within Me."

I was going through some old files the other day, in preparation to having them shredded.

And I came across a piece of paper with the following three sentences taped to it:

"I heard a very, very faint voice from deep, deep within me. Really only the echo of a voice. It was asking for life."

The tape and piece of paper with the words on it fell off the original sheet of paper on which were similar ideas and pictures pasted all over in a montage style.

I had a sense that the words were still echoing and that they wanted to be heard yet again. This was reinforced a while later when I was putting away the last scattered pieces and I saw that piece again. When I went to tear it in half, it "resisted" partly because of the scotchtape. It was almost like it was saying "don't just throw me away."

I virtually never talk about my clinical work here on this blog. But it's 30 years since I saw that person so I will share this one piece of information. It was written by a young woman who felt that she was a "throwaway child" who came from a family which both abused people and also conspired to scapegoat anyone who dared to speak of those violations. Thus the significance of the voice - very faint, very deep, really only an echo (how hidden is that source?) - asking for life.

It got me thinking about where my voice is, where her voice is, where your voice is.

Is there a part of each of us which is talking to ourselves? An internal dialogue, and ongoing? And do we take the time to listen, really listen? And can we hear it in the midst of all of the noise which surrounds us?

I remember reading Neale David Walsch's book(s) on Conversations With God. He talks about how he was sitting in his kitchen one day reflecting on the wreck that his life had become. And he was writing about it, and he wrote about asking where God was and how come he never speaks to him. To his surprise he "heard" God who said that he had been there all along, but he (David) was never listening. That led to an ongoing conversation between the two of them which formed the basis of his books.

Do we have to hear our own voice before we can hear anyone else's? Or do we have to stop listening to our own voice over and over again, before we can really hear anyone else's?

We all yearn for those conversations, to hear and to be heard.

Thanks for listening. And thanks to that young woman who spoke those words for all of us to hear.

Addendum: Several minutes after I put this post up on my blog, my eyes again found the piece of paper and scotchtape. I picked it up, and the scotch tape fell off.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes.

We don't get to choose what of us survives, but for that which does, we are thankful.

-P

arcolaura said...

I spent a lot of hours driving yesterday, driving with the echoes of a church-related meeting forming an uneasy background for much older troubled thoughts. Thoughts around a sort of comment-section confession I made recently (are blogs and their comment sections replacing confessionals?), and thoughts spiralling back from that, all the way back to the old joy/hurt and what it was all about.

I wrote a song in my head over the course of that five-hour drive, all the while thinking I should just let it drop, forget it, not do this to myself...

In my stronger moments, between composing song phrases, I noticed what my lyrics were telling me about myself. I learned something about why certain men are powerfully attractive to me: the compelling thing is that they want to know me.

I mentioned this realization to Garth, and of course he suggested that I might try getting to know myself...

Paul said...

Interesting things to ponder in your post and in the comments. Me, others and The Mysterious Unknown -- all needing to be heard.

Tim Hodgens said...

Proxima: The shamans say that when they go into another person's "hell" for the purposes of healing, they say that they stay only long enough to "retreive" something of value for that person, and that becomes the gift.

Your comment completes that statement. Whatever "comes through" the experience of living / surviving, becomes the gift. Always cultivate the sense of appreciation.

Arcolaura: Will you be singing that song in an audio file on your blog?

I also find myself sharing more in various comment sections. Some blogs invite thoughtful or "deeper" and less frequently shared comments and observations. I guess we all sing our song in our own ways; some get better at it, some get scared and pull back. It's all part of an ongoing process.

Paul: "The Mysterious Unknown"...all needing to be heard - Oh!, I like that!

What an inviting statement; and perspective, that the Mysterious Unknown needs to be heard also.

And it's "fresher" than "God" or "The Deity(ies)." Let's agree to not use that as a label but as a hint of that which is present and also needs to be heard.

Thank you all three for your voices.

Tim

arcolaura said...

I'd like to, but there are some obstacles, and other more important challenges to deal with before freeze up. In good time.

Dancingfarmer said...

Silence---so golden. Sometimes needed to really hear ourselves. Sometimes so we can really hear others and sometimes just so we can really listen to what God is telling us. How often are we just too noisy?---Noisy without saying a word.

Anonymous said...

Hello, hello?

You're still counted amongst the living right.

-P

Tim Hodgens said...

Proxima,

Thank you for asking, and yes, I am still very much among the living.

I have started a number of posts recently only to not publish them. I was not moved by any of them. And I have been looking deeply into some things in the mind and didn't just want to fill up space. You know what I mean.

I'll be writing about some of those meanderings shortly.

I've also actually been enjoying the silence.

Tim

Dancingfarmer said...

Where are you Tim? You haven't posted in a while.
Monica

Anonymous said...

Where'd you go??

Katherine

Tim Hodgens said...

Monica - thanks for checking in.

Katherine - ditto. I've been here all along but very inconsiderate of me to not put up something that I'm well but not writing for now.

By the way, your question gave me the perfectly timed nudge go get off the "should I post or shouldn't I" razor's edge. Thanks and see the post for today.

Tim

Anonymous said...

among the living yes. among theconscious yess . amonng the wind infuriated yes and among the living...and among
those who feel the fire in fromt of them ...
and also most of all
talking to all the beings not human. ...
what difference thoes it make?
in this realkm
a real unreal
figment of klimatization
began to ...disconnect?
to dis or not to
a funny qest ion...

Tim Hodgens said...

Anonymous,

'Tis an art,
That needs ongoing attention
And choice
To see
To perceive
To feel
The soul in every part of the whole.

Tim